Scared of giving birth? What the fear is made of, and what helps
A lot of women tell me, fairly quietly, that they're frightened of giving birth. Sometimes it comes out in the first five minutes of talking birth. Sometimes it's the very last thing she says.
If that's you, you're in very good company. Fear of birth is one of the most common feelings in pregnancy, and it usually has pretty sensible roots. Most of us grew up seeing dramatic births on telly, a sudden gush of water, a mad dash to hospital, a woman on her back shouting at everyone, them shouting . And then there are the stories people tell you without being asked. It's always the worst ones, isn't it.
What the fear is usually made of
When I ask what exactly someone's frightened of, the answers are from pretty much the same places. The pain. Then not knowing what's going to happen, or when, or how long it'll go on. And quite often, underneath it all, a worry about losing it in a room full of people you've never met.
It really helps to pull these apart, because each one has a different answer. A fear you can actually name is so much easier to work with than a general knot of dread that drops into your stomach if someone asks when you're due.
Why it matters in labour
This is the bit I find really useful. Labour runs on hormones, and oxytocin (love this word) is the one that drives your contractions. It's a shy hormone, the love hormone. It flows best when you feel safe and unobserved, which is exactly what any mammal looks for privacy she's about to give birth.
Adrenaline works against it. When you're frightened, your body reads danger, and adrenaline can slow contractions down or make them less effective. Fear also makes you tense, and tension works against the muscles that need to soften and open. That makes it hurt more, and pain feeds more fear. Grantly Dick-Read called this the fear-tension-pain cycle nearly a hundred years ago, and I still think it's one of the most useful ideas in birth prep.
So fear has a real, physical effect on labour. On top of being horrible to carry around for months.
What actually changes it
I'll be honest, reassurance isn’t enough. "You'll be fine" is kind. What actually lasts is understanding whats happening, plus some you've practised so many times that your body does it without you having to think.
Knowing what labour is doing. Once you understand what each contraction is achieving, it stops feeling like something random happening to you. I've written more about this in what actually happens in labour.
A way of breathing that's become automatic. A long, slow out-breath tells your nervous system you're safe. It nudges you towards the parasympathetic side, the calm rest-and-repair state, and away from fight or flight. In labour you won't have the headspace to remember instructions, so this needs practising every day for weeks until it's just what you do.
Knowing your options before anyone asks. A lot of the fear around losing control is really a fear of being told what to do. If you understand sweeps and induction ahead of time, you're never deciding something for the first time under pressure. There's more on that in being pushed into sweeps or induction.
A partner who knows their job. It's so much easier to let go when the person next to you is protecting the room and asking the questions. See wanting your partner to know what to do.
When the fear is bigger than this
If fear of birth is affecting your sleep, or you're dreading the whole pregnancy, or something from your past is making it harder, please tell your midwife. Severe fear of birth has a name, tokophobia, and it's taken seriously. Most hospitals have a perinatal mental health team or a birth options clinic where you can talk your choices through properly, including a planned caesarean if that's what feels right. Asking for that is a completely reasonable thing to do.
How I help
In hypnobirthing we start with your fear, your own specific version of it, and work through it with proper information and things you can practise at home. I can't promise anyone a fear-free birth (and I'd be a bit wary of anyone who did). What I see, again and again, is a woman who arrives dreading it and by the end is asking me practical questions about her birth. That's usually when the useful planning starts.
If you'd like to talk through what's worrying you, send me a message about private hypnobirthing.
I'm Aimee, and I run Nurture & Wild. I teach private hypnobirthing in your home around Birmingham and Solihull, or live online, and baby classes at Graft in Kings Heath for afterwards.